psych-o

Since I haven't given you a good psycho story in awhile, here's a good one in case you were looking for a good laugh. This happened on Wednesday of this week, our first day of classes after spring break.

We all walk in, and Dr D is already writing his notes all over the marker boards. We sit down and the Dr starts to take a poll of who got the most drunk over spring break. He claimed that no one got as drunk as he did. Good to know, right?

His outline in the board was titled "Learning." He managed to get through about a third of the lecture before he stopped at "punishment", one of his sub points. He said that punishment is intended to suppress learning. He asked us what the most popular form of punishment for children in America was. Someone said "spanking." (I thought time-outs had taken over, but who in that class really cares what I think, so I didn't say that.) He said spanking was the correct answer and said that we could attribute EVERY problem in the US back to parents spanking their children. "Spanking has never never EVER worked. Get that in your heads! It has never worked, cannot ever work, will never work. Understand that." I never take notes in this class because he never tests us on his lectures. On top of that, his lectures are usually a big campaign ad for Hillary Clinton. The only time I "take notes" are when I'm taking notes for my blog. So when I heard the word "spanking," I had to get out my pen and start writing because I knew it was going to be good.

More words from the Dr (straight from my notes): "All parents who spank their children should be imprisoned. Spanking is the same thing as the war in Iraq: all violence. You can call it spanking, you can call it war, you can call it "an act of war," you can call it terrorism, you can call it school bullies. Whatever you call it, it's all the same and it's violence. Violence should never be tolerated in an form. Oh, and the funny thing is that some parents say, "I know it doesn't feel good right now, but it will help you in the long run." Ha! George Bush said, "I know this war isn't fun right now, but it will help you in the long run." What the %&$@ ??! George Bush and all of his supporters should be imprisoned. Vote for Hillary! Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, spanking. Ok, a child who is ever spanked will definitely, without fail, grow up to be some sort of bullie, gang member, murderer, rapist, or someone that uses violence and aggression on a daily basis. It's a proven fact that children who were never spanked will NEVER grow up to use any sort of violence against other people."

A great cheer goes up from the class and everybody claps, but I am hunched over and furiously writing this all down, thinking it may be worth money someday. He went on:

"Spanking, even if it is not abusive, cannot possibly work to alter the behavior of a child. That's because spanking doesn't ever teach a child to be afraid of breaking the rules, it teaches the child to be afraid of it's own mother. Do spanked kids ever obey the rules when their parents aren't around? Of course not! That has never happened! If spanking were to work, we'd have to do it so differently than parents today do it. Parents don't spank the right way, therefore, it can't work. Parents always spank when they're angry, they spank before they've told the child WHY they're getting spanked. They spank and sometimes don't even explain it at all! How do you expect that to work??"

I wrote in my notes that he was right about this point. Spanking is probably not very effective when used this way. And sadly, many parents do spank like that. But that's not all!

"There is only one way for spanking to ever work. Beyond this one way, spanking is doomed to failure. But! It is impossible to use this one perfect spanking routine. It goes against all laws of human nature and all laws of human psychology. It is perfect, but humans cannot handle it."

I was very excited by this point to hear what he thought was the perfect spanking model. I expected to hear something so perfect that it was unattainable by any sinful person. This is what he said:

"So, little Johnny is 4 years old. He's running around in the front yard. His mom is out watching him and lets him run. He runs onto the sidewalk and his mom tells him not to go into the street. Johnny runs around a little more and then shoots off into the street. Mom yells and tells him to get back in the grass. She says if he does that again, he will get spanked for disobeying. Johnny runs around, gets to the sidewalk and jumps into the street. Mom runs over to him, picks him up and carries him into the house. She puts Johnny into a chair and she goes into another room for 2 or 3 minutes to calm down. She comes out, tells Johnny what he did wrong, why she doesn't want him in the street, and why he's getting a spanking. She gives him the spanking and then again tells him why he was spanked and that she's doing it because she loves him and wants him to be safe."

I kept waiting for something more, waiting for the impossible scenario. But he was finished. That WAS the impossible scenario. I have usually kept my mouth shut in this class. But this time I felt compelled to say something. I mean, I don't care if you don't spank your kids. I don't even care if think it's wrong. But when you say that no one has ever done it the right way and it has never worked, that's where I have a problem. So I raised my hand and said that I am one of 9 children, I have 13 nieces and nephews, and we've all been spanked. I said that I can probably count on one hand the number of times I ever witnessed my parents or older siblings spanking while they were angry. They always calmed down first, then spanked. And I said I could not remember one single time where the spanking was not explained beforehand, instead of after. Therefore, my parents and siblings definitely followed the "impossibly perfect" model.

Dr D was frowning the whole time I was talking and when I finished, he walked over to my table and and said, "Either you're lying or you're remembering it wrong. You should check your sources and talk to people before you go saying things in this class. Oh, and I hope you have a bad memory because I hate liars."

As I was trying to think of a good snappy comeback he went on, speaking to the rest of the class, "Now, Cathryn's comment brings up something else that I want to talk about. That is the compulsion to protect one's own parents. The need to make them look perfect, even when they aren't. Even severely abuse children will protect their parents. See, I didn't even ask for examples from the class and yet Cathryn still felt the compulsion to protect her parents." He walked back over to my table and said to me, "Cathryn, I think if you and I could talk alone, we could uncover alot of stressful or traumatic memories that you've suppressed. I think we could discover the truth together about what could have been mild to severe abuse. Come talk to me after class, ok? Ok guys, you're dismissed!"

Great. So because I'm stupid and actually opened my mouth in his class, the rest of the people in that room think I'm a liar, I'm insane, and I've been severely abused by my parents and don't even know it. These last 5 weeks of school are going to be so fun!

I'm still trying to think of what I should have said to him after he told me I was lying. Any suggestions?

Oh and, I bolted out of that classroom. No way am I talking to that man alone.