changes come, turn my world around

Life is about to change for me...again.
After much thought, advice from wise people, and prayer, we decided that I needed to quit my job before the end of the year. I think I mentioned a couple of posts ago that our medical insurance is going to drop my coverage if I'm not in school fulltime by January. I've known this was coming for my whole life, but I never thought I'd be in this position when it came. I always thought that by the time I was 21 I'd already be in school fulltime and it wouldn't be an issue. But the reality is that it's a big issue and getting dropped from health insurance right now is not cool, so I will be registering for school in a few weeks and starting right after Christmas. My parents and I decided that it would be best for me not to continue managing my store while I'm jumping back into school. It was a hard decision to make since, by the time I quit, I will have only been at my store for a year. Thankfully, I have a very understanding boss who, at least in front of me, took the news well. It will be hard to leave the place that I helped bring up from the ground but I'm grateful that they gave me the opportunity to do it.

As far as school goes, I still have no idea what I'll be doing. In this whole 2 years of pondering and self-reflection and researching, I haven't become passionate or even extremely interested in one area of study. If you remember, before I got sick, I was going the Nursing School route, so when I started thinking about school again, I thought I'd just get back into nursing and pick up where I left off. It seems that it's not that easy though. At the rate I'd be going when I start, I think I'd have one or two more semesters of class work before it would be time to start clinicals and real nursing training, but with my condition, no nursing school or hospital would let me do that. I'd have to be close to completely healed and definitely off of most of my drugs before they'd let me train in a hospital.
With that in mind, I started researching and thinking about other majors I could switch to. Nothing came up. There's really nothing else that interests me at this point. Not that there won't be something once I'm in school again, but for now, I have no ideas. So my dilemma is this: Do I waste money paying for classes that I really don't want to take or that won't get me anywhere just to satisfy Tricare and to keep the mandated fulltime status? Or do I go with the nursing track again, praying that I'll get better sometime between now and the actual nurse training and praying that these next two semesters aren't a total waste? Who knows...

Thanks to all who were praying for the most recent round of tests and MRIs. Everything went well except for the MRI, which the tech said was terrible because of my braces. This was a critical MRI and was supposed to show us in detail what kind of damage has occurred and how to possibly fix it. The tech who was doing it said that his guess was that they'd have to redo it after my braces are off. :( No fun. I have an appointment on Thursday with a new doctor that I haven't seen before and he's supposed to be the leading lower-brain specialist in the Air Force. We're praying that appointment goes well and that we'll have lots of new information (and that he'll be able to read the MRI anyway).
The subject of brain surgery seems to be surfacing in conversations more frequently and I've been talking with more people about the possibility. I'm not quite as opposed to it as I had been, but I told my sisters that the only way I'd do it is if they all agree to shave their heads with me. I already have my friend Emily on board, the older sisters are pondering the idea, but Beth and Shelley are definitely opposed. Just think of the priceless pictures we would have if they would all go bald with me... :)

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

virginia

I'm in Virginia! It's fabulous, as always. We're sticking around the houses this week, which is exactly what I wanted to do, so it's very relaxing. After I'd been up here a few times and especially after living here last summer, I'd seen all the sights and done plenty of driving around. This time it's nice to stay in pajamas all day and read to the kids, watch movies, make up silly songs, and just be.

Of course, the only reason I get to do this is because of Emily and Beth. They are selflessly working my store from open-close (which means 9:30am to 7:30pm) every single day while I'm gone for a week. They are awesome girls and are so sweet to let me have this time off. I'm trying my best not to call them and just trust that they have everything under control. Which they do. Except for the ceiling that's trying to collapse....again, they say everything is running smoothly and that I don't need to worry. If you're in the part of town this week, please take Emily and Beth some very LARGE DrPeppers, Mountain Dews, strong coffee, or some other form of caffeine.

Tomorrow we're driving down to Culpeper to see the Mt. Lebanon people. I think we're eating lunch and spending the afternoon down there...we're pretty excited about that! And on Sunday, an old friend of Dad and Mom's is preaching at Dave and Kristen's church which is also very exciting. I don't think I remember him, but I'm always happy to meet old friends of the family.

Guess that's it for now. I'm going to go try to make Liam love me...

day by day

August is here. I don't know how it got here, but it did. It still kind of feels like May to me. Maybe because of the weather... I keep waiting for the inevitable long, hot, SA summer. The blessed rain has been wonderful and makes me feel like I'm in the Hawaii rainforests again. We love rain.

Rain is not all this summer has brought to our house, though. Summer brought us practically a brand-new house as Mom and Dad (mostly Mom) had people (mostly Dirk) install new carpets, floors, air conditioners, lighting, and trim, we planted new trees, and repainted the entire downstairs. I think most of it's great, and as soon as Dirk gets rid of the awful purple paint in Mom's bathroom that most definitely was her one mistake, it will all look great.
August has finally brought me close to the time when the military insurance, Tricare, will be cutting me off from their coverage. As you know, this is a huge problem. For most girls my age, I'm sure it doesn't matter much, but it's big deal for me. Anyone familiar with Tricare knows that they cut kids off at 21 unless they're in school fulltime. For me that means that I have about 5 months to convince the school to let me back in ("I won't have anymore seizures, I promise!") and jump back into the World of Academia. I definitley have some issues to get over about going back to school, but I hope that as it gets closer, God will calm me down and keep the panic at bay. I really don't want to go back to school (because of my stupid insecurities) but if brain surgery is going to be the answer to my problems, Dad will definitely need that insurance. :) Please pray for wisdom and guidance for us to make the right decisions about school, work, insurance, health, and family.

The store is going well and getting busier all the time. We're getting ready to convert it into the franchise that my boss is involved in. That will mean major remodeling and branding which I'm really excited about because it will make the place look SO much better. Hurray for redecorating.

What I'm more excited about than anything right now is going to Virginia next week! I haven't seen the kids in almost a year, and I miss my sisters like crazy. It will be so very nice to spend several days with them and enjoy the "northern" part of the country. :)

Help me then, in every tribulation,

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith's sweet consolation, Offered me within Thy holy Word.

Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting, E'er to take, as from a father's hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting, Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

summer

Well, it's been an interesting week. For some reason, we're still trying to recover and unpack from vacation while putting our house back together. Vacation was wonderful, and if Mom will ever send me the pictures, I'll put some on here. :)

We've recently been hammered at work with Back-to-School season approaching. The workload was so bad that yesterday I had to call Aubrey to come in, and I had to get another girl from one of the other stores to come over here and help Beth and me. We got through about a third of what needed to be done, and I'm hoping that we'll be very productive today.

I had an appointment yesterday with some sort of lower brain specialist who, I thought, was going to tell me that all the effects from the Chiari and CSF leaks were causing all the lower brain troubles. Instead, he told me there was "significant damage" to my brain that wasn't going to go away if they were actually able to get rid of the Chiari. He was in a hurry and didn't really elaborate on the "significant damage" (gotta love AF doctors)except to say that it made my test results from last month "very abnormal." After my next MRI in a couple of weeks, he's going to give me over to some other sort of specialist whose field I really couldn't distinguish from this doctor. Dad or Mom will be going with me to that appointment so they can take notes and, unlike me, can actually remember what the doctors say.

My best friend, Emily, was in a car accident this week and got her spine all messed up. She was in alot of pain for the first few days and so, for a change, I went over to her house to bring her magazines and ice cream and to threaten her life if she tried to walk. She's usually the one doing that to me, so it was pretty fun to be able to bark at her. Anyway, her car is finished with it's life but thankfully, Emily is doing much better and says that she'll be in to work today, which means that my store will be a happier place. :)

Time to work...

crazy

Well, I'm at the Russell's house, camped out with their 6 kids+Josiah for the next few days. Aubrey and Dirk left this afternoon on a much-needed mini vacation and left me their house, van, kids, and unfortunately, Luther. The last time they went away like this was 5 years ago. I also had their kids then, but they seem to have acquired a few more since then... :)
But it's been fine. The only one who's gotten in any trouble is Luther, who somehow thinks that I'm here to kill "his" kids. I think I might send him over to Adeana in the Cat House and see what he thinks about that. (Luther's the dog, btw.)
Miss Stephanie was SO sweet to bring back treats from DisneyLand for the kids since she knew the parents would be away. She gave me a very heavy bag of what she calls "bribery" and the big boys especially are very eager to obey and help, since they know that Pirate Candy is the reward.
Speaking of sweet people, this morning at church, Geoff (who lives next door) told me he'd be watching for any strange men, loud noises, and flashing lights coming from the house. But I told him not to worry because if I had a party, I'd invite him. :) He also granted me VIP access to his Endless Supply of DrPepper, which I'm sure many people covet.
I'll be out tomorrow renting movies and buying pizza, chocolate milk, and any other fun food I'm guilted into purchasing.

Feel free to stop by with a pep talk. As long as you're not a strange man, I'm sure Geoff will allow it.

something to smile about

Lately I've been giving 3-sentence updates about everything going on and it's been awhile since I've posted details about much of anything. Some of it's because I'm lazy and/or rushed and don't want to take the time to spell it all out, and the other reason is because if I'm talking about anything even slightly emotional or hard, listing the details puts me into self-pity mode, which we all know is bad news. On the other hand, most of the people who read this blog come here not because I'm a great writer (God must have forgotten to give me that talent), but because they want specific updates.

Here's the thing, though. I don't want to sound depressed, because I'm not. I don't want to sound hopeless, because there is Hope. I don't want to sound angry, because (most of the time) I'm not.
If I try to scoot away from coming across as bitter and morose, I don't want you to think I have it all together either. I don't want you to think I'm always happy and care-free, or that I'm unemotional and can't feel anything (though that would be nice). I'm no fighter, but I'm fighting. Lovers of Patty Griffin should appreciate that last line. Ok, updates....

I think I'm currently at a stand-still with my doctors. I can't figure them out. They all think I'm fascinating, which you'd think would make them want to put their heads together and come up with a game plan. Instead, I'm pretty sure they're content to point and stare and parade their residents in and out to look at me. I got the low-down from one resident I met for the first time a few weeks ago:
Me-- Hi, I'm Cathryn.
Dr--Haha, you don't have to introduce yourself, I know who you are. You're a legend around here, you know.
Me--I don't even want to know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Dr--Yeah, I've only been here for a couple of months, but they're all talking about you.
Me--Oh that's good, so they're talking about treatment options?
Dr--Oh no, they're just talking about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------

The diagnosis is still Chiari. Curious as to why no one will talk to me about fixing it, I did some researching. I've figured out that basically the only known fix is brain surgery. And since most of us know what happened to Jeremiah when he had that surgery, it's not an option.
I have another set of MRIs coming up where they will look more specifically at the bottom half of my brain. I recently had a 3hour long test of my optic nerves. The good news is, the nerves haven't been damaged, they're being sat on by my brain. That means if my brain goes back to normal, those nerves should be unharmed. Which means I'll still be able to see and hear.
My neurologist thinks that exercising (which hurts like nothing else) and steroids will help. My anesthesiologist thinks that narcotics are going to be my best friends for the rest of my life. My unfortunate psychologist thinks I need to think more positively and smile more often. The docs in ENT, of all places, think that I'm way too young to settle for drugs for the rest of my life and they want to find a way to fix the actual problem. Shocking, I know.

Those are the facts.
Here's the honesty.

I'm really tired. I feel like I'm 90 years old and like I'll never feel good again. The pain has gotten much worse in the last 2 weeks and it's wearing me down. When I hear that there's no alternative to brain surgery, I get panicky. I start freaking out that it's never going to go away and there's no way I can handle this forever.
That lasts for about two days and then somebody will be around to wake me up and wind me down. It's usually Dad, and then other times it's Mom or one of my sisters. Sometimes it's Dirk's sermon or one of the amazing people at COG. The most recent attack of panic was calmed by some dear friends who have been in our lives since before I was born. You can go to Mom's blog to read more about their visit. I didn't grow up around them (though I wish I had) so I don't really know them all that well. But I love them like I love my own grandparents because I know how much they mean to my parents and A-team. Several times during their weekend visit they came up to me and would just lovingly remind me to not give up and to try to visualize just how many people around the country are praying for me and what an honor that is. That really put things back into perspective for me and helped me breathe again.

I may have said this before, but this always comes to mind when I think about all the people who are committed to praying for us. This is an uphill battle and sometimes when my family and I think we can go no further, the Lord reminds us that we have hundreds of people holding us up in prayer. It always reminds me of when the Israelites were fighting a war and God told Moses that as long as he kept his arms raised, they would be winning. If he let his arms down, the enemy would take over. Just when Moses was getting too tired to hold his arms up anymore, two of his friends came up beside him and held his arms high in the air until the Israelites had defeated the enemy.

So thanks to all the great people in my life, I'm back to (as one of the above docs suggests) thinking positively and smiling more. I have much to smile about, so I try to keep those things in mind. The world isn't falling apart, and God is still God. Now that's something to smile about.

sisters and rain

I'm blogging twice in a week?? Oh my gosh!
The girls ditched me for their friends this evening, so there's nothing better to do...

Well, Beth is graduating in 4 days. I think I'm more nervous than she is! I'm so excited and happy for her and really can't wait to see what she'll be up to this next year. But the other half of me wants to talk mom into forcing Beth to do another year of school here. Maybe because I hate that everyone's growing up.
If you've been around long enough, you know I have a real inertia problem. (Who did I get that from? Annie?) It's one of my biggest downfalls...the thing that sets me back the most. I really hate change and often wonder why God let the sun stand still for Joshua but not for me. It's good that God put so many people, especially children in the form of siblings and nieces and nephews, into my life because I don't get stuck standing still for long. The kids are changing and growing every day and it helps me to remember that God didn't create us to be stagnant beings. He created us to walk, to keep moving, to enjoy life He's given us but not to cling to it.
This week, with the Beth's graduation moving closer, in the midst of being happy for her and helping her plan, I've been longing for the time when we were smaller (especially when we were shopping for dresses, haha!) and all of us were together all the time. There is nothing I love more on this earth than my family, and I'm so like my dad and wish we all could live on the same 10 acres for the rest of our lives. I've been longing for the time when we were all in Mom's school together, our days were semi-predictable, and there was no danger of one of us leaving or moving away. (That's why I moved back in :) Life was simple.
When I get into one of those nostalgic moods, I always snap out of it by seeing an example of why the changes are amazing and there is no way I'd want to go back. One of those reminders was last night, I think, when I was out shopping with my sisters. The three of us went with Em and Michelle (our adopted sisters) to shop for dresses for the graduation. When I first saw Shelley in the dressing room in a gorgeous dress, I wanted to stop and tell her to go to the girls' department and pick out a cute little girl's dress. Because I didn't want her to be this old. (Shelley, you're so OLD!) But I got over it because she really did look beautiful and she wouldn't look like that if she was still 5 years old. We continued shopping and we were all giving each other suggestions and opinions and what looked best and what made us look skinny. ;) And I loved it. We couldn't do that when we were 5.
When we got back home, we all ended up in my room talking and soon Caleb joined us. We sat there and talked for a couple of hours of things that I didn't talk to them about a year or two ago. They are all growing up and it's a good feeling to become less of a mom and more of a best friend.
Except for Emily and Michelle, who are my sisters anyway, I lost most of my friends after I got sick. Each one for different reasons, but a few months ago they were all gone. I treasure the friendship with my sisters even more now and I'm so glad they're not 10 anymore, because I need them.
I was reading a verse this morning that kind of woke me up. It's from Ecclesiastes and it says, "Ask not, 'Why were the former days better than these?' For it is not from wisdom that you ask this."
I guess that doesn't need any explanation, so...on to a lighter note.

If you've never been to Covenant of Grace Church, now is the time to visit. Dirk just became my hero because he's finally preaching through Genesis. I was ecstatic a few months ago when he first started talking about it, and I think I was his biggest cheerleader while he was making the decision. I just love the Old Testament...not because I don't love the NT's theology and Good News, but because I love history and love reading about how we began. I think the best examples of God's infinite patience and faithfulness are in the OT and it gives me great comfort to read them. Anyway...Come to COG and hear about Creation. Or, just go online and listen to the sermons because they're gonna be great. covenantofgracechurchsa.org

I noticed a few hours ago that there are paint chips taped to every wall downstairs. I can't believe Mom finally made some decisions. They were probably the biggest decisions of her life, and I sure hope she doesn't regret them in a few weeks. I'm not sure about that red focal wall, Mom. ;) No, I'm kidding. It's gonna look fabulous and everyone should come see when Dirk's finished.

I've been feeling good for a few days and am SO thankful. It's been a nice break from the usual "I want to scream but instead I'll smile" days, and I'm enjoying it. Some of you asked about the doctors not wanting to treat the Chiari problem. I'll save that for another post but for now, they are just 30 year old guys who don't want to be wrong, so they want to treat me for the things they thought I had.

Is this the first year that San Antonio has ever been pretty? It's gorgeous down here and I don't want the rain to stop. Everything is so green..it sort of feels like driving through Virginia. Well, you know what I mean. Anyway...hurray for no drought this summer!